Why I’m NOT excited for Ramadan

For those who do not know, Ramadan is the ninth month in the Islamic calendar. It’s a month where we refrain from eating and drinking from sunrise to sunset. It’s more than just that. Ramadan is the month the Quran was revealed to the Prophet Muhammad. It is also a time to get closer to God, perhaps by praying more or reading the Quran, and bettering one’s self spiritually, morally, etc. It is also a time for families to come together and celebrate.

Sounds pretty nice, right?

Yes, if you were born into a Muslim family.

I am not looking forward to this time of year. Last year, my first year as a convert, I had trouble fasting. How is a fatty such as myself going to refrain from eating/drinking for sunrise to sunset, when normally I have a snack every 15min?! (exaggeration)

This year I’m not really concerned about the whole “not eating or drinking”.

I just notice how the other Muslims I follow on social media are so excited for Ramadan. I was focusing on their happiness and eagerness as it approaches later this month. Why wasn’t I like this? It didn’t take me long to figure out why.

I am alone. I have no Muslim family or friends. I have no one to share this happiness and eagerness with. I have to fast by myself (sometimes even breaking the fast early because I get asked “why aren’t you eating?”), I have to pray by myself, I have to read the Quran by myself, I have to have Eid by myself.

From a young age, Muslim children are exposed to the meaning of Ramadan firsthand. They have all of their family together, make traditional meals, and just enjoy the holiness of this month.

It’s hard for converts such as myself. I wonder if anyone else feels slightly like this..?

What is this feeling?

I’m not sure if I am depressed. Some times I am happy, then when I am out having a good time, all of my worries hit me all at once and I’m ready to go home and crawl into bed. I sometimes make excuses when my best friend wants to hang out. I love her dearly, but sometimes I just don’t want to hang out.

There’s other feelings too. I can’t even explain them. I will get home and take off my clothes and just leave them on the floor, not because I’m lazy, but because I simply just don’t want to put them up. Same with laundry. I keep putting it off until absolutely necessary. When it’s done drying, I will not fold them. I will eventually, but not right away. It’s like I don’t have the energy. I’m not sure.

I go to Disney often. I’ll be having a great time, and then all of a sudden everything hits me all at once like a freight train. When I make plans to go out, it’s because I’m actually feeling OK for once at the moment. Then when the time comes, I ask myself “Why did I make these plans?” I will go out and sometimes enjoy myself. But all the while I’m out, I’m just looking forward to laying in bed later.

If you would ask me what I like to do, I’d honestly stay, “Stay in bed and do nothing” . I just would rather lay in bed because I feel as if my problems and worries go away.

I’m not sure what these feelings are. It’s a consistent thing, not once a week or twice a week. It’s every single day.